Why Edward Cullen is Not Sexy: A Biology Nerd Rant

A certain co-author of mine has been making me read Twilight out loud to him over Skype so that he can mock it (which is admittedly loads of fun), but even if we weren’t mocking it there is no way I could find Edward Cullen hot enough to make the book worth the 500 pages of tedium. Why?

Quite simply because Edward Cullen is a creationist.

Observe, page 308:

“Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn’t we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you don’t believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?”

This can’t be ignorance talking. This is a man (with the body of a 17 year-old) who has been taking high school biology classes for the past ninety years! In all this time it would seem he has never heard of fossils, Malthus, Mendelian genetics, or variation within populations.

The occasional creationist who snickers at me when I talk about achaeopteryx I can understand. Ignorance is forgivable… to a certain extent. How much time do you have to spend in a high school biology class with evidence staring you in the face before you accept the fact that creationism is complete bollocks? Answer: Not ninety years!

The vast majority of the creationists in my 8th grade science class came out at least theistic evolutionists (I can only think of one exception). A classroom full of thirteen to fourteen year-olds, half of whom have been brought up with terrible misconceptions of evolution, and almost all come out accepting evolution, while a 100 year-old man has been in high school level biology for ninety years still denies it? This can be indicative of only one thing:

Edward is a stupid git.

How thick do you have to be?

Answer, far too thick for it to be worth it giving your genes a chance. In other words, completely unsuitable as a mate. In other words, not the least bit sexy. Even if he weren’t a creepy paedophile who follows me home, breaks into my house and watches me sleep, oh, and sparkles in the sunlight, Edward Cullen is too thick to be sexy.

This is why I shall never become a rabid fangirl like my friends. My standards simply aren’t low enough. If I don’t become a rabid Edward Cullen fangirl then I won’t fit in. And this, my friends (to quote John McCain), is the reason why I will never fit in at school.

End rant.

Update: Read before commenting.

I have identified this as a post likely to attract comments of low quality. In order to not make fools of yourselves if you fall into a certain range of literacy, I implore you to read this post.

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71 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Chris Dandy on January 2, 2009 at 2:09 am

    word

  2. Posted by ibyea on January 2, 2009 at 2:17 am

    Yeah, stupid ain’t sexy. ^_^ You know, wouldn’t it suck to take the same subject for 90 years? Yes, more discovery are made all the time, and now my textbook is filled with complex biochem stuff, but c’mon. High School for like 90 years? That is quiet sad.

  3. I have been reading the books too, and when I read that passage I thought just about the same thing as you. I am so sick of writers tossing a bone to the religious right.

    I watch House on a regular basis and even though the main character is makes all kinds of anti-religious comments they always write lines for other characters that will make up for House’s remarks.

  4. Posted by The Mad LOLScientist, FCD on January 2, 2009 at 3:00 am

    Sing it, sister!

  5. HAHAHAHA

    *rushes off to bother Twilight lovers at my school*

  6. Ew. That is such a huge turn-off for me as well.

  7. @Nerd
    And remember, he was at high school for 90 freaking years!

  8. The problem is that most high school biology classes are probably not like yours at all! In my own biology classes in high school, evolution was barely explained, and only mentioned a few times. To top it off, there are lots of biology teachers who are creationists. (I had a 7th grade science teacher who once claimed that men have one less rib than women, vindicating the Bible–this is easily disprovable nonsense of the worst sort, taught by a teacher!)

  9. Posted by burntespresso on January 5, 2009 at 12:17 am

    Haha.. I noticed that little part and wondered if others did, too. Nice to know someone did. & I tend to agree with a lot of what you said.

  10. @Saint Gasoline
    That’s true, but this guy didn’t even have the intellectual curiosity to investigate evolution for himself in 90 years. You would think in 90 years he would take a little time off from stalking teenage girls to read something. Lack of curiosity is an even bigger turn-off than ignorance.

  11. Posted by Kaylee on January 6, 2009 at 9:27 pm

    OMG that’s crazy. It’s just a movie u don’t have to point out every fucking flaw!!

  12. I did it for the lulz.

  13. @saint gasoline
    Then maybe you should try out the AP class, it is great! Unless your school doesn’t offer them, of course, which is something sad.

  14. Oops, I assumed you were a high school student, never mind. ^_^

  15. Posted by Vanessa on January 19, 2009 at 2:46 am

    well, i think that it doesnt really matter and i dont really care about that i mean i didnt even think about that cuz i was soo consumed by the book. i dont even know how u made it to page 308 without being,well i dont really want to say obsessed, but like,always wanting to know what happens next.and i agree with who said that its just a movie and u dont have to point out every freakin flaw!! im DYING to see the movie and now all i think about is the movie and the book!!

  16. Posted by crrazzygirrl on January 19, 2009 at 2:47 am

    OMG i sooo agree!

  17. Posted by monkeycutie on January 19, 2009 at 2:49 am

    i cant wait to see the movie either!! 😛
    😀 🙂

  18. Posted by OMG OMG on January 19, 2009 at 2:50 am

    i ❤ twilight!! 😀 😛

  19. Posted by lalaland on January 19, 2009 at 2:51 am

    yeah 😛

  20. Posted by lalaland on January 19, 2009 at 2:56 am

    yeah

  21. It may be a leap of faith, or perhaps a wilful suspension of disbelief, but I am forcing myself to regard the above comments of “i ❤ twilight" and the like as ironic. The alternative is too horrifying to contemplate. We all have our bit of credo consolans, and this is mine.

    i dont even know how u made it to page 308 without being,well i dont really want to say obsessed, but like,always wanting to know what happens next.and i agree with who said that its just a movie and u dont have to point out every freakin flaw!! im DYING to see the movie and now all i think about is the movie and the book!!

    So, yeah.

  22. Posted by Vanessa on January 20, 2009 at 2:15 am

    ok i just realized i wrote that and now im laughing cuz of that but its just that i wanted to point out that they dont have to point out every single flaw

  23. But pointing out flaws is fun.

  24. Posted by Vanessa on January 22, 2009 at 10:20 pm

    ok well maybe it is but i just dont like it when people insult the person who it involves too

  25. Posted by miss fanpire on January 22, 2009 at 11:25 pm

    listen here mister edward cullen may be fictional but he is the best damn book character in this entire univerise. im sure i can honstly say,for all the edward fans out there that you have a horriable idea of what sexy is. i would be able to bet money that your a low life who sits in there room typing things about edward cullen juat to make you feel better even though most people would rather have sex with edward than you and he is a fictional character. so dont go perading around the internet telling people lies.it is very unhuman to talk trash about him. i am a die hard fan of twilight sega.i am speaking up for edward, stephnie meyer, and all the other fans of twilight when i say that you need to shut the hell up about edward cullen

  26. Posted by crrazzygirrl on January 24, 2009 at 3:50 am

    wow that was very intense but still i AGREEEE!!!! so ha ha

  27. your a low life who sits in there room typing things about edward cullen juat to make you feel better

    Right… that’s all that I do with my life based on the fact that I wrote one fucking post about Edward Cullen.

    Now people, I don’t care for your insults. I know who I am, I know if you are wrong, but please try to keep the ad hom to a minimum. It makes you seem less twat-like.

    See here…

    http://skepchick.org/teen/?p=628

  28. Posted by Cassie on January 25, 2009 at 11:18 pm

    @miss fanpire
    Please learn to spell and express yourself intelligently.

  29. Posted by nina on January 28, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    You suck! Edward is the hottest guy on the planet! I cant beleive u could be soo stuck up. Ur just jealous cuz edward and bella are much cuter than u!!! Get a life nerd!

  30. Posted by kathy on January 28, 2009 at 3:44 pm

    hell yeah you sould just go and get a fucken life instead of sitting your ass typing shit !!! okkkk so stpop talking shitt
    ! CUZ EDWARD IS h1 HOTTTTTTTT AS HELL HOTER THAT U COULD EVER BEEE SO FUCK OFF BICH!!1

  31. Wow. Lovely people.

    @nina

    I’m jealous that two fictional characters are cuter than me because…?

    Really, the only description of Edward is “perfect perfect perfect” and Bella is frequently described as ordinary looking.

    @kathy

    You can get a life instead of sitting on your ass typing shit. You’ll notice that of 300 posts I’ve written in my entire duration of a blogger only 3 of them are directly anti-Twilight-related. Yeah, I sure spend a Hell of a lot of time typing shit about Twilight.

    @both of you

    Learn to spell, k? It makes you look less moronic.

  32. Oh, okay. I’m a fool.

    They’re not lovely people, they’re lovely person. Nina and Kathy for some reason appear to share the same IP address. I checked because I didn’t think it was possible for two idiots to comment so close together.

    So, Nina Kathy, you must be extremely unconfident about your opinions if you have to pretend to be different people so as to give the illusion that more people hold your opinion. Not only do you type like uneducated bums, but you’re also so lowly to resort to such lame techniques to attempt to make your opinion seem more valid.

    Epic fail.

  33. “u know, i agree and also, to the person who wrote the blog, wat does it matter if they misspell something i mean im talking in IM talk, so???”

    Some of us have self respect and at least a pretense of dignity. Some of us care if we come across like a 6 year old who just discovered keyboards.

  34. Posted by Hannah on February 1, 2009 at 3:41 am

    What the hell is ur problem
    Edward Cullen is the best guy evr
    you need to seriously get a life
    HE’S HOOOOOOOOT
    dont waste ur time cuz way more people luv him than hate him

  35. After deleting over 5 comments from the same person, and considering that they all have the same level of literacy, I am seriously beginning to doubt that more people do “luv” him than hate him.

  36. Posted by Carly on February 17, 2009 at 3:19 am

    Okay i just want to say that im not one of the girls who is head over heels in love with edward cullen. But i also dont think you should be bashing Stephenie Meyers books. Most people dont care how unrealistic the story is as long as its good. Also a lot of people use reading as an escape from reality. So the fact that all of you twilight “haters” are bashing a book that was written for pure reading pleasure because its not “realistic” enough for you, i find quite sad.

  37. Posted by Vanessa on February 17, 2009 at 7:38 pm

    i agree with Carly

  38. Most people dont care how unrealistic the story is as long as its good. Also a lot of people use reading as an escape from reality. So the fact that all of you twilight “haters” are bashing a book that was written for pure reading pleasure because its not “realistic” enough for you, i find quite sad.

    Me, I have some appreciation for an escape from reality. I find refuge from the masses of drivelling fools in books all the time. Realism does indeed help me enjoy the book more, and I do indeed take pleasure from books most when I can analyse them.

    This is a purely subjective argument, but just as Socrates said that the unexamined life is not worth living, more often than not I find that the unexamined book is not worth reading.

    But my personal tastes in reading material had little to do with this post. I enjoy ranting (why the fuck do you think I’m a blogger?) but it’s not always about deep subjects.

    Here’s a fact that will blow your mind to, not dust, but the individual sub-atomic particles that interact on a microcosmic scale, building up to the level at which your consciousness works…

    All of your minds. All of you fans, even the ones whose comments I deleted because they tried to look like more people agreed with them despite the same IP address.

    There was no point to this post other than personal amusement.

    I wrote this post because I found it to be fun.

    I wrote this post for writing pleasure.

    If you can get mad at me for infringing on people’s mindless guilty reading pleasures (if it were just for pleasure why would they get so up-in-arms over my writing this post?), why not just let me be and have my personal writing pleasures?

    Good day, and may you eventually find something more productive to do with your lives.

    Love,

    Elles

  39. Posted by Vanessa on February 19, 2009 at 12:30 am

    Ok, first, you know that when you cuss you sound immature? And second if you don’t want people to fight over something you blog about, well then why don’t you write it in a journal so that nobody can see it??Have you EVER thought about that?

  40. Ok, first, you know that when you cuss you sound immature?

    You know that I used a total of one “cuss” in that entire thingy?

    Compare “fuck off you motherfucking whore” with “post-modernism is fucking tedious”.

    Besides, words only have the meaning we give them. I personally would find “scum” to be more offensive than the word “bitch” because the word bitch has been stuck onto so many people in so many different times and places who seem to have nothing in common that could be deemed bitch-like.

    Labelling something as a “cuss” word only gives people pleasure in the shock factor from when it is used and encourages them to use it more, thus getting rid of all its meaning.

    Granted, the pervasive attitude in this culture is shared by people like you thinking that there is something special about this set of words that makes them taboo:

    Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits

    Really, that’s a social construct. There is nothing special about these words that should be particularly offensive other than their relationship to sex and their association with things expelled by bodily functions, both generally harmless things that we all do.

    And second if you don’t want people to fight over something you blog about, well then why don’t you write it in a journal so that nobody can see it??

    I have nothing against people getting angry at me and writing comments. If you’re wrong, however, I will tell you so. If you appear excessively angry, I will tell you so.

    Carly’s argument was that I shouldn’t be publicly bashing Twilight because people enjoy reading it for pleasure. I write for pleasure, and given the 100+ views I get per day I suspect people enjoy reading my rants (even the pointless ones) for pleasure.

    Look, the thing of it is is that we have this thing called free speech and the free exchange of ideas. This extends to the tradition of publicly posting criticisms of books and things even if those books and things are just for reading pleasure. Nobody is required to agree with my opinions and they are perfectly entitled to publicly post their opinions disagreeing with my opinion.

    When Carly tells me that I shouldn’t post these opinions, I might as well point out that by the logic she gave for me not to post my opinion says that she shouldn’t post her opinion. I don’t actually believe that, of course. That would be absurd, which is why Carly’s argument was absurd.

    But the point about this blog post having been pointless still stands. You people are way too angry about this. Why don’t we talk about His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman instead?

    Now there’s beautifully written prose. Can we agree on this?

    Love,

    Elles

  41. Posted by Vanessa on February 22, 2009 at 3:50 am

    I’m not getting excessively angry but the thing is, it doesn’t matter how many times you say a cuss word, it still makes you sound immature. Also, I noticed that,well at least the way I understood it,it sounded like you were saying that since everyone cusses,the word loses its meaning.Well, it may seem like that to you when you aren’t the one who’s being called,for example, a b***h, but when you are the one who is being called a b***h at least in a mean way,like when the person isn’t joking around with you, it hurts, even if it’s from someone you don’t know.Of course, I’m not saying that cussing is like, the most serious issue ever, because I’m used to it since alomost all my friends cuss and even my best friend calls me a b***h sometimes but she’s always joking when she says that, but I’m just saying that just because everyone says it, it doesn’t mean that those words lose their definitions. By the way you described it, the first two words that popped into my head was peer pressure.Oh and by the way, piss is not a cuss word.I mean, I am not the kind of person who cusses, and i use that word all the time.

  42. Oh and by the way, piss is not a cuss word.I mean, I am not the kind of person who cusses, and i use that word all the time.

    And so you see why cuss words don’t exist as anything more than a social construct.

    Now, how ’bout that Philip Pullman?

  43. Posted by Vanessa on February 22, 2009 at 4:44 am

    what the heck I said that it wasn’t a cuss word which it isn’t.

  44. Tsk tsk…

    The point is, one person’s not-a-cuss-word is another person’s if-you-say-it-on-TV-the-FCC-will-eat-you-word.

  45. Posted by Vanessa on February 23, 2009 at 3:51 am

    oh wow ok let’s stop fighting over that ok i dont feel like fighting anymore

  46. Good! Fighting is a waste of resources.

  47. Posted by Vanessa on February 24, 2009 at 10:42 pm

    yep now what?

  48. You go on with your life, finding new literature to read every step of the way, and treating all those who share or don’t share your tastes in reading material with love and some amount of dignity.

  49. Posted by Vanessa on February 25, 2009 at 3:56 am

    mmkay you too but dont think this is my last reply because it miiiight not be I’m not sure though

  50. […] now that the craze has somewhat died down I won’t get quite the onslaught that Elles (1, 2, and 3) and Skepchick did. Right? [shifty […]

  51. Posted by drea on July 29, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    uhhh the author is Mormon……

    duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

  52. Uhhh, I can follow this pretentious formula for being condescending too……

    duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

  53. Posted by anonymouse on December 27, 2009 at 3:40 am

    I think this post sums up more to “I dont date guys that aren’t atheist”

  54. Posted by vanessa on December 27, 2009 at 3:43 am

    WOO MAGICAL UNICORN HOW YA DOIN iloveyouu:) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHA

  55. Posted by vanessa on December 27, 2009 at 3:44 am

    again WOOOOOO……TEEEHEE ITS AN umBREELa HAHA INSIDERRR

  56. Posted by vanessa on December 27, 2009 at 3:45 am

    hahahahahahahahhahAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahhahhhhaHhahahahahHHAHAHAHhHAHAHAH I FREAKIN LOVE YOUUUUU!!!!!!!!! JK JK JK hahahahaah pretty pony…DANDELIONS!!!!

  57. Posted by vanessa on December 27, 2009 at 3:46 am

    its not that i have adhd its just that-OOH LOOK A BUNNY!!!!!! hahahha i dont actually have adhd btw NEHNEHNEYNYENYENYEN

  58. Posted by vanessa on December 27, 2009 at 3:47 am

    BLAH LA PUSH!!!!! ilovejacobblack:)) ❤

  59. Posted by vanessa on December 27, 2009 at 3:49 am

    HAYYYYY WATCHA DOINN?????????? probably readin thissss posttttt guess wattttttttt im a pretty MaGiCaL uNiCoRn IsNt ThAt So AwEsOmE yEaAaAaAaAa

  60. Posted by vanessa on December 27, 2009 at 4:22 am

    OMG guess what,, iloveeyouu(: ♥ hahhahhahahahahaahahh

  61. Posted by vanessa on December 27, 2009 at 4:24 am

    dont stop make it pop dj blow my speakers up tonight ima fight till we see the sunlight tik tok on the clock but the party dont stop no woah woah woah woah woah

  62. Posted by vanessa on December 27, 2009 at 4:28 am

    wake up in the mornin feelin like p-diddy put my glasses on im out the door im gonna hit this city before i leave brush my teeth with a bottle of jack cuz when i leave for the night i aint comin bak im talkin pedicure on our toes toes tryin on all our clothes clothes boys blowin up our phones phones drop talking playin our favorite CDs pullin up to the parties trying to get a little bit tipsyyyy dont stop make it pop dj blow my speakers up tonight ima fight till we see the sunlight tik tok on the clock but the party dont stop no woah woah woah woah woah

  63. Posted by vanessa on December 27, 2009 at 4:31 am

    ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ <3<3 ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ <33 ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

  64. Posted by vanessa on December 27, 2009 at 4:32 am

    gues wat IM HYPERRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHHAA <333333

  65. Posted by Circe's Mistress on January 31, 2010 at 2:01 am

    I could even read passed Chapter 3 of Twilight. It was so boring. My family and I think Twilight is a laugh (My mom still can’t get over the part where Edward says he has the face of a killer and then starts sparkling) I personally think there are much better stories out there, I refuse to call Twilight a piece of litature. I liked your point though about after 90 years you think a person would learn something. And didn’t anyone realize (like the teachers) the same kids kept coming back and never aging?

    And (bashing author now) I don’t think Stephanie Meyer is a good writer. I have wanted to be an author my whole life and I plan to go to University for English to improve my writing. I feel like it’s unfair that a woman without any experience (that I’m aware of and you can correct me if I’m wrong) writes a book and it’s instantly a hit! I mean the characters were very flat and lacking in some flaws! You can not have a book fill of perfect people! Perfect people mean no conflicts, no conflicts means to plot.

  66. Posted by Circe's Mistress on January 31, 2010 at 2:02 am

    I meant ” I couldn’t even read….”

  67. Posted by vanessa on February 1, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    well the vampires are perfect cuz they have to be perfect but there are some humans too and wow i love how everyone ignored everything i wrote hahaha

  68. Posted by vanessa on February 1, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    OOH LA LA

  69. Posted by vanessa on February 1, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    ahahahhaahahha ❤

  70. Posted by Neutralish on July 4, 2010 at 4:51 am

    Even though I disagree with Carly, I commend you on your intelligence in your arguement. Vanessa, I don’t know you and I don’t ever want to know you but please… when you’re at least five years older, look back at these posts and be very very embarassed. For the sake of me not thinking you have some disability, let me know that you are at least under the age of 12.
    Elle, well written article, I want to read some of your other things! Even though I don’t completely agree with everything you say either, it was very enjoyable to read. Thank you.

  71. Posted by Andrea on November 12, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    *latecomer* You are my hero. This irritated me too. I was gunna write my own rant on it, but linked yours instead. And it is just pathetic when Meyer’s tries to write about genetics in the third book, and implies that all the Cullens are geniuses at biology, but they are all probably Creationist. Wtf. I think everyone doing NaNo did more background research than Meyers. Don’t mind the haters, biology is worth ranting about.

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