I have the most pointless English assignment ever. I have to write a survival manual, due tomorrow, for a foreign and hostile environment. I have a lot of personal experiences being stranded in a foreign and hostile environment!
It’s not so much that I can’t do technical writing, but I have a very short period of time to do a lot of research so that my information is factual and I don’t get points docked, and it’s not even worth that many points. Half the websites she gave us links to do research on are from loonies who think that the world is about to end.
Survival Risk Quotient: 63
Captain Dave’s Survival Risk Quotient, is updated regularly and attempts to rank how close we are to an all-out global disaster, also know as TEOTWAWKI, or “the end of the world as we know it.” 100 is T EOTWAWKI, 50 is an average threat level and 0 is a peaceful world with no threats, or what it would have been like for Adam and Eve without the Serpent.
Alright… other than the “TEOTWAWKI” stuff, I found some useful stuff, but this assignment is going under the assumption that we’re not paranoid dooms-day sayers who are planning on having the world devolve into chaos.
So, to save me from the pointless tedium, I’m taking a break and writing a survival guide for the Bible Belt for my own personal amusement.
- Don’t put your faith in the governments of the Bible Belt. The South has always had a strong tendency to not respect the constitution. Luckily, the South didn’t win the Civil War and still is part of the Union. If they do pass a legislation allowing the teaching of religion creationism in science classrooms, you might be able to take it to the Supreme Court and win.
- Forget freedom of speech. Putting a Darwin fish on your car sends a beacon to rednecks that you and your car should be vandalized.
- Be careful with words over five letters long. Rednecks have a highly limited vocabulary.
- Go to church. Even if you just listen to your iPod in the back to minimize the mind-numbing drivel, you don’t want the community thinking you’re not one of them.
- Obtain a Romulan disruptor. Let’s see them use a pitchfork against that!
- Make an escape plan for all areas of the town. If all of the above fail, you’ll need it in case they decide to revive the practice of lynching.
My dearest apologies to the dozen or so people living there who are reasonable.
Back to tedium for me…