How to Survive the Bible Belt

I have the most pointless English assignment ever. I have to write a survival manual, due tomorrow, for a foreign and hostile environment. I have a lot of personal experiences being stranded in a foreign and hostile environment!

It’s not so much that I can’t do technical writing, but I have a very short period of time to do a lot of research so that my information is factual and I don’t get points docked, and it’s not even worth that many points. Half the websites she gave us links to do research on are from loonies who think that the world is about to end.

Survival Risk Quotient: 63
Captain Dave’s Survival Risk Quotient, is updated regularly and attempts to rank how close we are to an all-out global disaster, also know as TEOTWAWKI, or “the end of the world as we know it.” 100 is T EOTWAWKI, 50 is an average threat level and 0 is a peaceful world with no threats, or what it would have been like for Adam and Eve without the Serpent.

From: Captain Dave’s Survival Center and Preparedness Resource

Alright… other than the “TEOTWAWKI” stuff, I found some useful stuff, but this assignment is going under the assumption that we’re not paranoid dooms-day sayers who are planning on having the world devolve into chaos.

So, to save me from the pointless tedium, I’m taking a break and writing a survival guide for the Bible Belt for my own personal amusement.

  1. Don’t put your faith in the governments of the Bible Belt. The South has always had a strong tendency to not respect the constitution. Luckily, the South didn’t win the Civil War and still is part of the Union. If they do pass a legislation allowing the teaching of religion creationism in science classrooms, you might be able to take it to the Supreme Court and win.
  2. Forget freedom of speech. Putting a Darwin fish on your car sends a beacon to rednecks that you and your car should be vandalized.
  3. Be careful with words over five letters long. Rednecks have a highly limited vocabulary.
  4. Go to church. Even if you just listen to your iPod in the back to minimize the mind-numbing drivel, you don’t want the community thinking you’re not one of them.
  5. Obtain a Romulan disruptor. Let’s see them use a pitchfork against that!
  6. Make an escape plan for all areas of the town. If all of the above fail, you’ll need it in case they decide to revive the practice of lynching.

My dearest apologies to the dozen or so people living there who are reasonable.

Back to tedium for me…


14 responses to this post.

  1. How about:
    7. Develop a tolerance for tar and feathers. (Developing a tolerance for moonshine may also help.)

    I’m sure turning this in will not earn you an A+, but you could consider other existing hostile environments unrelated to the end of the world: Mt. Everest, for instance. Or Death Valley.

  2. thar ain’t nuttin wrong with moonshine!

    Here is an additional point:

    8. Give up any tendencies to correct people’s spelling and grammar. Otherwise, this is what you will be your time will be completely spent solely on that.

  3. You should write about what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse. This is absolutely vital information.

  4. “How to survive watching Expelled”

    1. Avoid using your brain.

    2. Step 1.

  5. Posted by GaPeach on May 10, 2008 at 2:01 pm

    I’ve lived in Georgia all my life. I am sixty years old
    and for most of those years I was a Christian. But at
    the age of about 57 I actually began to think for myself. I left Christianity in the dust heap it belongs
    in and I now consider myself a Deist. Being a Christian
    in the South is pretty much expected. But gradually
    little by little I think Christianity will be exposed
    for what it is–a delusion.

  6. Well, I actually enjoy writing speeches for my Speech and Debate class the most. I find that it is in that class where the greatest concentration of ignorant students is, but in the class itself I have a lot more freedom to pursue stuff that I am passionate about. For example, the speech I did for my final last semester was about evolution and Florida’s attempt at removing evolution from the state science standards.

  7. I think I could include my entire country in your “bible-belt”… Nice guide!

  8. Except of course people down here have absolutely no idea what a Darwin Fish is… 😦

  9. Posted by adastragrl on May 13, 2008 at 9:39 pm

    Stereotyping… yes, it is humorous. But there are rednecks all over the world. Besides, we all know that Colorado is full of new age hippies (Boulder) and is the center of the creationist world (Colorado Springs).
    I grew up in the South and have encountered far more racism and intolerance in other parts of the country. Was it your experiences in the south (did you visit?) or is it based on tv shows??

  10. I have been to the South a few times, and I have friends that live down there. I did not seriously mean anything I said in the post… it was more in the spirit of what Stephen Colbert would do. I did not mean to genuinely perpetuate the stereotype.


  11. Posted by Alex on May 14, 2008 at 4:04 pm

    Splendid Elles for president of the bible belt — it needs a new president. 🙂

  12. Posted by Lana on May 14, 2008 at 4:32 pm


    Don’t apologize! you hit the nail on the head! Some stereotypes are based on fact. You were actually being quite delicate.

    who has lived in the South almost all my life.

  13. Posted by Blaidd Drwg on May 15, 2008 at 1:11 pm

    The only change I would make to your survival guide would be to substitute the Romulan Blaster with a Sonic Screwdriver. It’s a nonviolent alternative, and it gets you into/out of virtually any situation (unless your foe is using a Deadlock Seal).

    Blaidd Drwg (Bad Wolf)
    currently existing in Atlanta – though I’m not sure I’d call it living…

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