Taurus- A trip to the gynecologist is necessary… even if you are a man.
Aquarius- The sorrows you face today are nothing compared to the downhill turn your life will take in the next month. If you thought that Hell would be bad…
Sagittarius- You’re being cheated on. Sorry.
Capricorn- Mercury is in retrograde and Venus is sending more vibrational energy which is going to cause quantum vibrations to cause quantum flux ignunce. If you’re trying to figure out what this means, stop. Put the horoscope down and go to an Anime store.
Cancer- If you write a check to me for $500 in the next five minutes, I can prevent your boyfriend from breaking up with you.
Scorpio- Jesus hates you. Get over it.
Leo- Avoid fruits and vegetables and increase your intake of sugar five fold. You’ll lose weight. Trust me.
Gemini- You’ll forget your meds sometime this week and will go on a shooting rampage.