And… here’s your horoscope in no particular order for no particular reason.
Pisces- Drop the caffeine pipe, and come down from the ceiling to save whatever miserly shreds of dignity you have left.
Virgo- Exciting career changes are ahead! When they come, you will be unprepared and will surely languish and die in the workplace.
Aries- Somebody has a passionate crush on you and you will face temptation. If you cheat, the one you are with will lock you in a small space and force you to listen to Sanjaya.
Libra- Don’t vote for Nader. Please, for the love of reason, don’t.

Taurus- A trip to the gynecologist is necessary… even if you are a man.

Aquarius- The sorrows you face today are nothing compared to the downhill turn your life will take in the next month. If you thought that Hell would be bad…

Sagittarius- You’re being cheated on. Sorry.

Capricorn- Mercury is in retrograde and Venus is sending more vibrational energy which is going to cause quantum vibrations to cause quantum flux ignunce. If you’re trying to figure out what this means, stop. Put the horoscope down and go to an Anime store.

Cancer- If you write a check to me for $500 in the next five minutes, I can prevent your boyfriend from breaking up with you.

Scorpio- Jesus hates you. Get over it.

Leo- Avoid fruits and vegetables and increase your intake of sugar five fold. You’ll lose weight. Trust me.

Gemini- You’ll forget your meds sometime this week and will go on a shooting rampage.


3 responses to this post.

  1. But… I don’t have a boyfriend. Or $500. So I guess it works out. Hey, if I find a boyfriend, you’re welcome to him. I don’t want one.

    Your horoscopes are not vague enough. Keep trying though- there could be a carreer in it for you. 🙂


    (Just kidding.)

  3. Hmmm…I’m a Taurus, and that’s actually pretty good advice! You must be the real thing!

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