Grammatically Poor, Semi-Chronological, but Hilarious Review of New Moon

Note: Contains run-on sentences and general grammatical confusion which I have no desire to fix.

The redeeming feature of the Twilight Saga is that it’s so bad that it’s a satire of itself. Thus, it actually does make it worth it to go see it and laugh at it, and what’s the most hilarious night to go watch the latest installment of the series? Opening night when all the fangirls scream every time Robert Pattinson takes his shirt off!

So here’s a list of my favourite moments from New Moon and if you can make sense of what I’ve written here then perhaps there is hope yet for stuff that I write under sleep deprivation.

The opening looks great but it’s not a New Moon, it’s a Lunar Eclipse with the words slowly appearing on the Earth’s shadow. Screaming occurs when the N appears and returns when the full title appears.

Bella rushes through the Spanish Inquisition running for some mysterious reason.

I am struck with a moment of profound perplexity. The opening words actually sound well-written. Must I abandon my belief that Stephenie Meyer is shit in light of the new evidence? No. I quickly recognize the words to be from Shakespeare. That explains why it sounded sooo good.

Bella’s in a meadow. Edward appears. Fangirls scream. Lulz ensues. Some weird dream about how she’s an old lady. Edward sparkles. They have rays of light protruding from his sparkles. Thus, Edward looks like some sort of transcendental energy porcupine. Ew ew ew ew ew.

Bella hates her birthday for no apparent reason. She also is self-loathing enough that she folds a picture of her with Edward so it only shows Edward and not herself.

We see Edward walking to her in the parking lot like some sort of male model and I put the barrel of the gun in my mouth.

Edward: I’m 109
Bella: I shouldn’t date such old men. It’s gross.

Following an attack on her by Jasper Dr. Carlisle stitches her up. She sits close. Surprisingly they don’t have as much overt God-stuff, just references to damnation and souls. Anyway, for me that was the most romantic part ’cause Carlisle is hawt.

Edward’s dad has got it goin’ on.

Bella and Edward argue about vampirizing her. She’s like “you can have my soul!” following a kissing scene and I, deciding I need to show that I have a greater ability to reference literature than Smeyer by whispering to myself in the theatre, quote Marlowe’s Faustus. “Helen, make me immortal with a kiss. Suck out my soul, see where it flies!”

I’m not sure about the second part of the quote, but I think there was a bit about Faustus saying stuff about his soul when he kisses Helen. Anyway it sort of fits.

Edward leaves her but it unfortunately is not as hilarious as in the book.

Later however, we are redeemed with an arcing shot of Kirsten Stewart with the most cliché depressed expression ever. So cliché that it’s comical and I really wish I had a picture but I don’t.

Bella goes on a statutory motorcycle ride because she finds that the pedophiles and the motorcycles are dangerous enough that she can hear Edward’s voice in her head and see his face. She then becomes friends with Jacob so he can fix some motorcycles so she can try to kill herself so she can see and hear Edward.

When that doesn’t work out because Jacob realizes that she bleeds when she crashes… well I just forget what happens after that.

There’s some hilarious scene where Bella makes a guy who’s interested in her go see an action film instead of a romance. We hear bits from the action film which actually satirizes action films quite well.

“I’ll blow your frickin’ head off!”
“No, I’ll blow your frickin’ head off!”
Gunshots are heard as the camera shows Mike and Jacob trying to get Bella to hold their hands.

Jacob’s actually kind of attractive. Until we find out he’s a furry wolf and then it just feels… bestial.

He and Bella walk along the beach and he says “it’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella! I was born this way and I can’t change it!” and I lol’d.

There’s some action with CGIwolf vs vampire and CGIwolf vs CGIwolf. At one point one of the vampires trying to kill Bella is being chased around by the CGIwolves and Bella had randomly decided at that time to go jump off a cliff. I dunno about the book but the film definitely makes it seem like a suicide attempt.

And in one cathartic moment I cheer as she crashes below the waves, the moment I’d been waiting for. All those years up until that point between when I’d first heard of Twilight and seeing her die came to a palpitating point and vanished…

And, well, she nearly succeeds but Jacob saves her.

It’s then that she finds out that Edward believes she’s dead and they have to go to Italy to stop Edward from trying to kill himself (oh aha it’s a Romeo and Juliet parallel!) and there’s fun shots of Alice driving a yellow sports car.

Then she has to run through the Spanish Inquisition to keep Edward from stepping out into the sunlight and thus being killed by the Volturi (evil vampires who don’t like it when you reveal the existence of vampires to humans) so she does but then the Volturi makes them go talk to them anyway and they’re like wtf?

We meet Dakota Fanning as Jane who Edward seems to know somewhat well. Dakota Fanning takes pleasure in inflicting pain upon Edward at some point. The whole Lolitaness of her stature and the fact that she’s enjoying the pain bit leads me to believe Dakota Fanning is Edward the Pedobear’s ex-lover.

And they’re like, if you were gonna make her immortal we’d not eat her. So Alice gets a vision just in time of Edward and Bella frolicking and it’s the most cheesy thing you ever have and ever will see and even the fangirls were laughing at it because it was so cheesy. Not that it was intended to be cheesy, it was supposed to be serious and to show that Bella would get vampirized, but it was just cheesy and slow mo and frolicky.

As they leave there’s a group of tourists being led back to where they came from by one of the Volturi members. Screams are heard as they are eaten.

That’s disturbing, it really is. Herding humans into that and it’s like something I read in The Road about keeping humans in a basement and using them for food that was seriously disturbing and I didn’t think Smeyer was capable of something that gutsy and disturbing but apparently that bullshit. I was like WTF? I didn’t know she was actually capable of something dark and not producing transcendental energy porcupines.

Anyway, Jacob and Edward almost fight and Bella tells him not to make her choose because if she chooses between necrophilia and beastiality necrophilia is kinkier.

Then Edward asks her to marry him.

THE END!

Me: Let’s leave before we get lynched.

Oh, and another funny thing… There would be screams lasting for several seconds when Rob Pattinson or that werewolf guy came on screen but then there was actually a greater number of people laughing at the fangirls so the laughing persisted for five times longer than the screaming.

4 responses to this post.

  1. I hear that the film already has Rocky Horror-esque audience callback lines.

  2. Posted by 1minionsopinion on November 22, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    A movie version of The Road is coming and seeing the preview of that recently made me want to find the book first. I forgot I wanted to do that until now, so ta for the mention of it.

    I liked the Meyer books (not the last Bella one though) but I’ve had no inclination to see the movies.So thanks as well for putting up with it long enough to write this hilarious review.

  3. The recap was absolutely hilarious, especially the choosing between necrophilia and bestiality. Best recap ever. :)

  4. Posted by xandiprice on December 26, 2009 at 2:24 am

    i think it’s hilarious how at least 50% of the entire movie is gasping…

    http://irrelevantcontent.com

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